The EX...

Someone emailed this to me and I thought that it would be nice if I share it to all of you...

The EX
by: Anonymous

Now I have an idea why people make such big deals about exes. Y'know... stuff like, getting over the ex. Dealing with the ex. Being friends with the ex. Being the ex.

I am an ex. I know that it's a stupid -- and silly -- to sound as if my whole life revolved around being somebody's ex-girlfriend. But I can't help it...that title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now and official member of the "love-and-lost" club. And while it's a title I don't exactly want, I have to admit tht it does say something about me.

I am an ex. I once loved someone who loved me back. But he didn't want to stay...so I had to let him go.

I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that something was amiss. I'd reminisce about our happy times, then break down when i'd realize that he was no longer mine. I analyzed every single detail of our breakup. I wrote long e-mails to my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my situation. I spent my nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we'd end up in each other's arms again.

Sometimes he was still my angel, still my knight is shinning armor who i'd do anything for just to have back. But sometimes, I saw him as the devil incarnate who broke my heart in the worst possible way, and who deserved to be horsewhipped at the very least.

I told myself that it was all for the better. That this was what was best for the both of us. That this was God's plan. My friends offered similar advice, none of which I had't heard before: "It's a sign that you're not meant for each other", " When God closed a door, He opens a window", "Someone better is coming for you", "There are so many other fish in the sea", etc.

But it didn't work. Because deep down, I still believe that he was the one, the only one. And I couldn't understand how this was all for the better...when everyday seemed more torturous that the last...not being able to be with him the way I wanted to be, seeing him so unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-smashed heart and my bruise ego.

I tried to immerse myself in other activities to forget about him. I went out a lot. I filled my schedule with movie marathons, shopping sprees, and Dance maniax. It worked for a while..but then there were times -- times when my mind was cleared of the busy thoughts I tried to occupy it with -- that I would think of him. His memory would sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in worst vulnerable moments.

I tried to show the world hat i was OK. That i was over him. That is was fime just being friends. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my forehead, not did I go around with puffy eyes and tissue box. I tried to live my life as I knew it before I met him. People thought that i was doing great.

They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that I was. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort our my feelings, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy. Because I was still yearning for someone, and my heart still ached for something that could not be.

It's been over 5 months now since we broke up, surprisingly, things have gotten better. I've changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized tht he wasn't the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up.

And I've become stronger, older, wiser.

He's changed as well -- when i look at him, sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love with. Sometimes I think tht he's the same person...he still has the same goofy smile and mischievous charm that I fell for, and I like to believe that the rest of him is unchanged as well. But then I take a closer look and I realize that he HAS changed...that I don't know him anymore, not really...not enough to love and care for him as I once did.

I am an ex. I've loved and lost. I've cried tears for the things that were and that could have been. I've wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate, or jealousy, of frustration. I've simultaneously taked down and brought up my pride. I've tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. I've tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do that, I turned to God for help.

I don't know exactly what I gained, or how much I lost. Maybe someday it will all be clear to me...then again, maybe not.